Love Love Love

It's OVER.. For raya at least

Monday, October 27, 2008

Heh.

I believe it is time to update my blogs with the pics for raya

writtern @6:43 PM

We're the L.A lakers

Friday, October 24, 2008

So that is it.

28 more days to go and we are really really cutting down on our expenses and for the first time, we are even thinking twice if we should waste our money on movies this month.

boohoo.

But its okay.

Coz it'll be worth it.

With lots of factory outlets to go to and going on free & easy (yup, the men wll be driving around), this will be the most exciting vacation!

for me at least. =p

heh.

10 days of pure pleasure

woohoo.

I REALLY CAN'T WAIT!

writtern @3:19 PM

"You're stress? She should be the stressed-one"

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

That was the only comment given that made me realised how silly I am.

So my sis-in-law is pregnant. AGAIN.
It made me feel lousy for a day or so. The silliest thing was that I cried badly on last Sunday, the night she broke the news, and I ended up so sick even until today.
Merepek kan?

And the one thing I kept telling myself is not to be pressured.
Coz they say, that once I kept thinking bout it, getting pregnant will be more difficult then before.
Macam-macam kan.
bah.

Looking at the brighter side of it, Izzul is getting "friendlier" with me now, compared to back then. But no matter what, I still need to adjust to his high-pitch shrills. This makes me wonder if my sister-in-law loves to shout or sing aloud when baby Izzul is in her tummy. lolz.

Okay, putting the topic bout babies aside, have to say I can't wait to go for my holidays. I really really need the break. Assignments and tests and exams are driving me crazy.

Boohoo.

And I'm still wondering if i can go for the halloween party.
It'll be my first tau, b. =)

writtern @11:41 AM

Are you a fashionista?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

That got me blushed.

Coz seriously, I don't dress like the peeps in the magazines.
I just make sure I dress to my liking every single day.

bah.

Oh yar, I am still flattered by that compliment.

writtern @10:37 AM

Memang dah giler

Friday, October 17, 2008

With 2 tests on Monday, One presentation on wednesday followed by a test, and 1 assignment due on thursday.. I can only still think of enjoying myself on weekends.

bah.

Love wanted to cage me in the house because of that. hur hur.
But knowing me, I cannot NOT go out. gilerrr.

So there's weddings and jalan rayas to look forward to. Talking bout weddings, this month is both our busy month because of the numerous weddings to attend. Nearly every week of this month, there will be at least one. Some of the weeks, came out two or even three. *faints* And those who went Mat's wedding. I love the dais colour.. It looks bold because of the red and the yellow is soothing. haiz. I really miss going through the sanding part. Yup, feels like doing it all over again. (with the same man, of course)

And maybe, can get more Tiffany's?
or should it be Cartier then?
heh.

After all, fhi, I DO need a necklace.

writtern @3:10 PM

I've been strong after all.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

With the lights off and our backs against each other, I was getting ready to sleep when he spoke softly, saying this,

" I don't blame you for what happened. "

And I have to say,
that was my closure.

writtern @4:06 PM

my first lost

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

It has been awhile that I've not been updating this blog of mine.

I thought I need a break from blogging, besides, the due dates for assignments and presentation all fall in the month of september to october. Horrible I must say.. And those who had gone through this still have the chick to say its a breeze. They must be lucky. They are lucky actually. If only I have entered way earlier, u know, straight from A's, I would be shaking legs too.

Some might have noticed that my last few posts within the last month were different. To be honest, I dont feel like posting up anything. What makes me desperately want to take a break away from blogging was because I did not want to be in touch with anybody out there especially after an unfortunate incident happened for example the death of my grandma, or getting academic probation while in uni and now this. I need the time alone, to forget, to reflect and I have to admit, to engulf myself in sorrowness. I know, this act of mine has/had angered some, making them think that Im chucking them aside, and spending time with them only when I feel like it. When the fact is, I do not want to be vulnerable, to open up to anybody as a matter of fact and end up reopening the wounds (so to speak) which I am desperately trying to heal. I need to move on, fast.

Having this said, I know my hubby won't like what I am about to say here. I know what I went through is personal to us, but it has been like a taboo that we, as husband and wife, didn't really talk much about it. Yes he consoled and encouraged me, and keeps on telling me its not our "rezeki" yet. But somehow, I have to admit it is difficult to forget.

It wasn't easy two months ago, in early august.We went to the gynae thinking that that day might be the first time we'll be seeing the baby's heartbeat , considering that the weeks before, the baby managed to survive complications I faced (heavy bleeding and bloody cramps). When I got to know that the little foetus in me was not growing, I cried hard. And so did Love, but only when we reached home. That was the first time I saw him cry, and it hurt me. It made me feel like as though it was my fault that the unborn child died. Like as if it was me who was having problems and that lead to his/her death. I felt useless that very moment. Seeing him cried also made me realised that I was not alone. I have him by my side to move on with my life.

What was sickening most was the fact I had only one choice, which is to go through surgery to evacuate everything in the womb. Actually its either that, or keep on carrying a dead foetus until my body naturally discharge it. The latter, i believe, will be a pure torture. U know, having breasts pain, which means the body is going through changes, but for somebody which is not alive? It doesn't make sense at all. In addition to that, it can take as long as 4-5 months. Til now, I cannot forget how much I dreaded going through that surgery.Maybe I was in denial. The days before surgery were a torture. I developed the feeling of hatred against kids, babies especially , as they reminded me of what I could have had ; a baby of my own.I remembered that I couldnt stop crying the night before and the morning of that day I was supposed to go through the D&C.

On the morning of that surgery itself, I was unusually quiet to hubby. I can still remember the faces of the nurses who pushed me from one ward to the other and then to the surgery room. I can still recall the doctors' faces and the questions they asked me. And I can still remember how much I wanted to kick and scream at them and tell them I wasnt fine and I did not want to go through it. The next thing I knew, I was awake, gagged, with the tube halfway in my throat. I could feel there were tears in my eyes and cheeks. It won't be a surprise if that tears were shed during the surgery itself.

I was relieved most to see my parents. I cried again when I saw them. And when ayah asked me why did i cry, i lied, saying that I hate being in the hospital. Only Love knows the truth. I was devastated that I lost my baby. I felt it was unfair that it was made easy, u know, sleep and wake up, 'childless'.

I was given 2 weeks of mc to recover physically,of which, i took only 1 day, for the surgery itself. I couldn't believe I was that physically strong as I was bleeding heavily for days. The funny thing was that I managed to go through the normal confinement: eating of powdered jamu and ubat periuk and not drinking cold drinks. But let me confess, I cheated coz the confinement lasted 3 weeks, not four. And I have to say, the feeling of cold to the bones was really horrible. The malays called that "masuk angin". I had a taste of that, for four hours on one of those nights. It felt like skinning myself alive. I kept using ointment and rubbing my lower back and tried to burp the air out. It was so painful that I was cringing and I kept tossing and turning, to find a comfortable position.

No matter how strong I was physically, I cant say the same forthe emotional aspect of myself. I was seriously devastated. Especially since Love was not home half of the time because of work and me staying at in-laws place, made me put up a facade, of being strong when actually i was still hurting. There were many nights that I just stared at the ceiling and cried myself to sleep. Surprisingly, it made me feel better the very next morning. During those weeks, I was pretty much selfish and irrational and a little crazy. For instance, I even thought of trying to conceive as soon as possible to replace the lost child. haiz

I am really thankful that I am doing much much better now. Though I still cry when I think about my miscarriage and when I looked at the scans of the little one, I know that my life has to move on. Especially since I will be trying to conceive right after my third menses. Yup, I was told by gynae to wait that long. *bah*

Let's see how then.

Having told all this, I have to say I dont blog this for pity(though i won't be surprise that some might be laughing their ass off), but more as something I want my blog-readers to reflect on and have whatever takeaway from this. =)

PS: Yana, I will post pictures for your viewing soon k.

writtern @4:03 PM