To those who expect something from me
Friday, February 29, 2008
Nothing has changed. After all these years, it seems to me that things still revolve the same way. There seem to be some Standard Operating Procedures that one have to go through just to be called a friend. From one angle, it feels like another job, and from the other, it looks like those petty problems I settled in my P3 class at least once a week. Sad truth i must say.
Yes, my friends' opinions on my fiance, doesn't matter much to me. Seriously, what is there to be discussed about? Whether you like it or not, me and him have chosen each other to spend the rest of our lives with. Ok, maybe because it was a whirlwind romance that within 3 months of being together, we've decided to get engaged that I left out the introducing of him to some of you before getting engaged, and that seems like i am leaving you out of the picture. No, it shouldn't be that way. As friends, I know you will accept this other person especially more if you have heard how well he has been treating me. Honestly, the only opinions that matter are of course those from my family. Call me traditional, i won't mind. I know I am.
You said i owe some of you an apology. From the way i see it, one of you owe me that. For putting words in my mouth. For making out your own reason onwhy i distanced myself. There are two of you who know the real truth. Then again, even them can twist the story.
Never have I tried to "squeeze" my way in back. The only thing i did and will always do is to try to be there. I don't expect things to be the same, but surprisingly, it still is now. Coz even when i'm there, I am still the reserve me. I am still myself. Yes, i am after all, like you said, a private person. Have I ever introduced anyone of my bfs back then to any of you? Have I ever had a sharing session bout my fucked up broken-hearted days back then? I dont think so. Even if I did, it must be a light on-the-surface kinda conversation. And knowing me, im not good with group-sharing. Never.
One thing for sure, even if some of you did not appreciate my presence, there are others who do. Them, who don't question nor judge. Who still see me the same way as they did when they first know me. Who never even think of being used at all.
It could have been 4 years or 10 years ago, but the fact that you brought it up now shows that it is still in the back of your head even up to this day.At least i'm glad we did talk it through, even for a short while. Though nothing concrete comes out of it yet, knowing the truth from one another is better than to jump into yet another conclusion. I hope others who feel the same way as you do, would at least stand up and asked me yourself. Not hog around on what other's have been saying on what they claimed is true about me.
With all this happening, I got to see bestie in a different light. She is less complicated and does not have high expectations(in comparison to some of you) of our friendship. Something to be thankful of.
Somehow I feel I am different in some ways. It is difficult to explain what has been going on in my mind. It must have been the phases I have gone through. And the anxiety that comes along with my impatience to step into the next phase.
Maybe one day, when you're going through a part of it, you'll understand. Even then, I can say that you were never in my shoes. And don't wait around for an apology from me. Coz I wont' apologise for being myself. That is something I will never do.
Having that said, this will be the last entry of mine on this matter. The least you can do as human beings is to let me be focus on my preparations and let me be happy bout my wedding which is just around the corner.
